... from which I am so far removed I don't remember anything at all about it. But every time I walk past the magazines at the checkout lines, and see Tom Selleck on the cover of some magazine, where he has reinvented himself as the tv-land NYC police commissioner, I wish he was at my house. I am not even sure after all this time, I would know what to do with him. Plus I know he is perfectly happy with his little avocado farm in California. I guess I am just remembering how attractive he was when he was wearing those short shorts and doing the goofy PI role, filming 'Magnum' in Hawaii.
I was listening to a talk show, possibly 'Fresh Air', when I was on the way to work this morning. I don't know who was being interviewed, or what the title of the book was, but something made me pay attention, so thought-y I had to write it down, scratching on a piece of paper while driving. The author of the un-known book was talking about men and women and their different perspectives on love. To my way of thinking, and limited experience, the genders still polar opposites as the 'men are from mars, women are from venus' tome from years ago, by John Gray. This individual on the radio this morning was paraphrasing a line from a song/poem and said we are lied to by our love songs.
It has been interesting to ponder that all day, and consider how females never seem to get over this idealized mental picture of what their lives should be. Sort of 'princess-like', never being able to 100% admit that we are not wanting to be put up on a pedestal and adored. And men, once the conquest is fait accompli, are ready to go back to sitting around in their underwear with remote in hand, like they did before they had to clean up their act when courting. Am I wrong? Do I have a completely unrealistic picture of this? I am sure there are men out there somewhere who willingly do even more than half the domestic chores, and women who happily go out into the marketplace every day, leaving spouse and children at home, while they bring home the paycheck.
But I do believe there is this accepted notion, maybe something we need to reconsider, where we have these ideas about what men will do, want to do, and also what we cannot expect them to do. As well as things that are historically attributed to females, things that women will/won't be and traditional roles. I know we all have pre-conceived ideas, and will invariably attribute those mother-ly, nurturing characteristics to women who have historically done the cooking, laundry, child birthing-feeding-cleaning-raising.
Here's the thing I wrote down while driving to work in the dark: "we are lied to by our love songs". When we hear the sweet embellished, flowery poetry of romance, we continually, repeatedly fall into: believing what we are hearing. We are so hopelessly romantic, we want to believe there is one out there for me, who will not be sitting there in the recliner with remote in hand, waiting to be called to the table for a meal. And sadly, wonder why it doesn't turn out that there is a man who will be waiting for us, with an apron on, spatula in hand, ready to put the meal on the table and light the candles, pour the wine.
The discussion on the radio was about the difference between 'attachment' and 'romantic love'. And if I remember right, the conversation brought out that the romance is what starts the relationship, the spark and tinder that kindle the fire. And then there is attachment, what happens (not always, not guaranteed, or a certainty after the storms blow in) when there is such long-standing familiarity that no one makes the effort to see that the fire continues to be nurtured, fed, there is always a sufficient supply of well-seasoned wood to keep the blaze going for the long haul.
I wrote something here in recent months along these same lines... pondering this as a question of 'love' versus 'commitment'. After hearing only part of the conversation on the radio, I am pretty sure they were somewhere near what I have figured out. The guest author admitted to being a failure at marriage, but a success with long term relationships. Felt that her research and understanding of these issues can help us all to tough it out when we get to those places where we are not sure it is worth the effort to maintain. Even though the love is no longer a roaring fire, you can put forth the effort to nurture the spark, and keep that tiny little ember alive with a desire to keep that attachment intact, and continue to honor the relationship and commitment.
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