(insert sad face here)

There are times when it makes me really unhappy to think that I was born without the math gene that so many in my family were fortuante enough to have installed in their heads at birth. I know both my grandfathers and my dad were very skilled at 'figgerin'. I have a brother who is obviously talented with things technical that are far beyond my comprehension. And he has kids that are equally talented with things tech. and mathematical, intricately designed but readily understandable, to those who grasp the workings.

When I followed two years behind my brother throughout our school years, I had teachers who naturally expected that I would have the same abilities as he did in the realm of science, technology, engineering and math. Which I don't.And as a result, made me feel less than capable for most of my life. I think I have adjusted pretty well after all these years, but as those teachers who doted on that clever boy held him up as the standard, I could not reach their goals. I used to try to explain my lack of abilities away by saying that the day in fifth grade when everyone else started to learn how to multiply, I was out sick - and just never fully caught up, or on.I do know that it frustrated and aggravated my dad to no end when we sat at that table in the dining room, and he drilled me on my times tables and I could not remember. I just didn't retain math facts - not multiplying, or algebra or geometry, or algebra when I took it the second time because I didn't learn anything the first try. He could do it, and could not understand why I could not.

Here's what I think: most guys are wired differently - which is both good and bad. We cannot think like they do so cannot understand why they do some of the things they do.

And here I am: right brained in a left brained world. I wish I could have told my dad that. And wish he could have understood that we are  not all wired the same, so  no matter how hard I would try, I could not remember (and didn't care) what 7 x 8 equals. So if you don't grasp the basic math, there is no way in the world you will be able to do the complicated stuff where you replace numbers with, of all things: the alphabet.

The truth is that I have other abilities, and I think/believe I can do some things he can't. Not much or many, but I choose to believe that there are some gifts I have that he is lacking. All this to say that I spent hours sitting with my little calculator and check book register last night trying to wiggle the numbers into balancing with the bank statement. Hours. And it didn't. And still doesn't.

Started off hundreds of dollars off, and I finally mashed hard enough on the buttons on the calculator and erased enough on the register, to get to the point that it is only $100 off - but still. I know it's supposed to come out the same, and go through this every month. When I can squeeze every thing into place to get it to balance in less than half-dozen tries, I get up and do the happy dance.

I have been known to give up. I'd work at it so long, I'd think: those people at the bank are smarter than I am (even though I know it's all done with great big honkin' computers) so I'll just turn the page and start fresh with the number the bank thinks is supposed to be in there. But - dang it. I know I can do it, just have to keep poking away at the calculator buttons...Right?