reflecting....

Completely out of character, it is. Me up, wide-eyed at nearly 10:00 p.m.Not even remotely sleepy...

Every time I do this crazy thing, I tell myself: Never Again. And then for some crazy reason, I find myself doing it again. I drove to south Georgia and back yesterday. Especially nutty after having worked a half day at my little jobette. It is a three  hour drive - no way around it. It takes three hours to get there, and double that to get back. I think this trip qualifies me for the 'prize' as far as doing it in the least amount of time. Left Columbus about noon, and was back home by 8:00 p.m.

My logic is that it was not my 'choice', but something that came upon me requiring my attention without delay. I went to the funeral of a friend from high school: she had been having health problems for some time, but think that the sudden demise was not expected by her family. I'd lost her for years, and just reconnected a couple of years ago - so I was surprised as well. Having lost touch, I do not know much about the intervening years, but from what I understand she had a rich, full good life with lots of interesting experiences as an airline stewardess, raising and racing horses, working as a loan officer in a bank, being a mom to three children, and having been blessed with grandchildren she was crazy about. And writing books: she was a published author! Don't think you can ask for much more than that, along with the certainty of knowing where you will go after the last breath has been exhaled.

I did not know until I read the obituary that she was only three weeks older than I am - which makes one feel a cold breath, and little prickly hairs standing up on the back of the neck. I've thought on and off for years that I should be composing my own obit. to be sure they get it like I want: leave out the stuff that is nobody's business and put in the things that would make people say: 'Really?' and 'Hmmmm...' when they read it, with an occasional 'Oh, I remember her!' I'm not sure I am quite 'olde' enough yet to feel like I have lived down all the stuff I did as a wandering, wayward youth, and know I am not old enough to have done all the stuff I want to do... Where did I put that bucket list, anyway?

If you want to have any control of what they say about you that one last time, I suggest starting right away. And while you are at it, you might as well make some decisions about what you want going on when they say the Last Goodby. 'American Pie, 'Amazing Grace' will do it for me. After the minister spoke, the family had a song played, that I suspect was Sara's choice. Really hearing the words of the song invariably brings pause, and likely brings the whole crowd to their knees: 'I  Can Only Imagine' never fails bring to make you think....

I've say I wanted to be cremated, and made any number of decisions about what to do with the leftovers - but after going to the Last Goodby on Sunday afternoon, I think the beach on Key West is a great way to end. They said she loved to travel, so it is so fitting that her daughters will accompany her on one last trip!

too early for bed just yet...

I am ready for bed, but know it is too early. If I go now, and should immediately fall asleep, that would mean it's time to get up and start doing things at about 3 a.m., which would cause me to do this again tomorrow night.

I woke up about 5:00, and got up at 6:00 because I had to be at work at 7:00. I usually am on the schedule to work four or five hours on Sunday - coming in as soon as I get out of church, around 10:30 and leaving at four or five or when ever I get the job accomplished. Some days it is all in the floral department, some days it is nothing but prep.work in the produce department. Today it was a bit of both, with me struggling to get it done in the four hours I was allotted on the clock.

I haven't quite figured out how the department manager did it - but it appears that I am working more days and fewer hours. In recent weeks, it has been  consistently three days a week, and totaled up to be 19-20 hours. This week the days are more, and the hours are less: which obviously means I am getting dressed to go clock in and work four or maybe five hours on a day. Which makes it pretty difficult to plan to do anything else, when that big chunk of time is taken out of the middle.

But then, on the other hand, as we all know, if one does not put in the employment effort, one does not get paid. And, sad to say, we don't live in a barter-based society, so it takes more and more cash to survive.

feeling excessively mortal...

There was a book one of my daughters was required to read in highschool, that was not only unmemorable, but so tiresome I don't think she was able to force herself to finish it... so there's no telling what the outcome was on the report she was expected to turn in.. I doubt the line about 'everyone lived happily ever after' was either adequate or appropriate for a book with a theme of an African safari - since the whole purpose of going after big game with bigger guns is death. I think hunting with high-powered weapons or even a bow and arrow so un-sportsman like, I find I am always rooting for the deer, turkey, buffalo, antelope, elk, African wildlife, whatever does not stand a chance against modern weapons of war.

But in that book was a most memorable line. Which I immediately copied down and have repeated often over the years, suggesting -or more likely demanding - that this is what I want carved on my tombstone. (Even when they remind me that I told them I wanted to be cremated - therefore leaving no place for anything permanent to be written - so I suggested a bench someplace people could sit and ponder...)

So this is it:  'If you are not doing things for fun anymore, you might as well be dead.' 

Which says to me that you need to deliberately plan your life so you are doing things that bring you joy. Not necessairily determined to scratch something off your bucket list on a weekly basis, but making conscious effort on a regular basis to do those things that had you saying 'I wish I could...' or 'If I had the time I'd...' Don't wait until everything is in perfect alignment: that will never happen and you will look back on a life lived much to cautiously, having been the one who so carefully stayed on the well-marked roads, and missed out on all lots of opportunities for joy.

If you came across something like this on a big marble marker in a cemetery, would you be amused? Or confounded? Or think: Crazy Person buried here?

visiting in decatur...

Got up excessively early last Friday morning: actually awakening about 4 a.m., watching the clock, waiting for the alarm to go off at 4:30. Getting stuff organized to get on the road and drive into Atlanta, hoping to beat the millions of people who live there and have to be on the opposite side of town for work five days a week.

I'd accidently eaten some chocolate before getting in bed, so it was midnight before my eyes were persuaded to stay shut - which made for a pretty short night. When I arrived, as the sun was just beginning to light up the sky, I could not think of any reason to not take a little nap or two. So snuggled back down in the bed, fully dressed and had a snooze.

We got up and walked the wild-crazy-hyper canines and did the usual Friday errands: running across town (it sounds like a five minute jaunt - which is far from actualilty) to load up the Juke with most of a weeks' worth of food to feed the nightly crowds at Eddie's Attic. I had much time on my hands, so I took another walk, wandering around busy downtown Decatur. The place was swarming with teenagers as soon as the high school, about a block from busy commercial area let out for the weekend. And they all looked so young! And of course, trying to give the appearance of being older, mature, and oh-so-cool. I understand the city has public safety people who do nothing but keep an eye on them as the mill around the boutiques, stores and coffee shops in the afternoons.

I was in the city to visit with family of a cousin. The family was in the states for holidays, and will return to China where they have lived for several years. Including a little 18 month old kid, who probably knows more Chinese than the adults! If you had forgotten, like I had due to no recent exposure to little people: it is amazing how busy they are - just constantly on the move, looking at stuff, inspecting their surroundings, absorbing information, learning about the world. And very amusing.

personal improvement project, part 2

Another thing: I decided to be kinder to myself emotionally.

I started seeing a therapist. Partially because I have insurance coverage (one of the biggest reasons we do a lot of things to help ourselves, from going to the dentist twice a year, to getting moles removes, and having sore feets looked at), and also because it's time. All the dang skeletons have been dancing, bumping, thumping, jangling around in the closet long enough. It's time to turn on the light, help them find the doorknob and get all that musty, dusty, nasty stuff out in the open.

I had my third appointment today. Not particularly insighful, but know that all that stuff I have been piling trash up on to try to hide for years will take some time to root through and begin the process of resolution. Kinda reminds me of the photos you see of third world countries, where the photographer from National Geographic is looking down from a great height - and there is a garbage dump, with literally thousands of tons of trash heaped up, and little children picking through the hopeless mess, looking for something of some value: to eat, wear, sell. Hopefully getting to the bottom of the muck will occur, with a sense of personal gratification/peace in my heart.

So... I finally got around to telling my signficant other that I had started this process. We were sitting in a restaurant of his choosing. Someplace I would Never Choose,as the only food on the menu is stuff I don't eat - plus it's almost excllusively  fried: 2 strikes. I'm sure he was wondering what I had been up to all afternoon, as I only worked half a day. So I told him that I have been going to see a therapist, and just had my third appointment today. And his response: "I wish P. was here, to help me eat an order of fried crab claws."

Pretty much self-explanatory, huh?

personal improvement project, part 1

New year's resolutions? Not here. I remember when my mom Insisted that we would come up with some written plans for self-improvement on several occasions in my growing up years. Honestly: none of them were memorable, and I cannot say that they stuck around long enough to even gather dust. But I do have a very clear memory of her feeling a great necessity for all the family to write and share things they were planning to do or cease in the next twelve months.

I am going to do things to try to get/be healthier - but that's something on-going. I have been consciously, in varying degrees of success/motivation, been working on for nearly twenty years. Ever since I realized that both of my grandmothers lived to be in their mid-nineties. It suddenly occurred to me one day that I should start taking better care of my body, as I considered the likelihood of living in it for another fifty plus years. Hopefully some of my ideas/plans have been effective.

Knowing there was a family history of osteoporosis, I have been doing things that I thought would be helpful as preventive measures - some more successful than others. Even though it was probably not specifically diagnosed back in another century, I recall the tiny grandmother getting tinier over the years, and the other one with a long history of broken limbs, and joint replacements: which to me signifies descendents at risk. Recently had a bone scan done: yep. Now to figure out the best/most effective path to take to try to preserve/possibly rebuild lost bone. Dang. I thought I was doing all the right things.

so...how was your holiday, part 2...

Qualifier: Unless you think you have a pretty sturdy constitution, you need to stop reading, and wait for the next trivial post.

Hope you enjoyed time during celebrating New Years' with people you really like. Not just whom-ever might have invited you to the party, or the people that made the most noise, or had the best finger-food, or the most alcohol that needed consuming before we ran out of 2012 - but folks who have meaning in your life, people you want to stay connected with, and would like to spend more time with in the coming twelve months.

I can't say that I did any of the above, good or bad.But readily confess that here, at my house, it was pretty ugly.

I must have eaten something I should not have. Hard to believe I would say that, since I have 'proclaimed' and boasted for years that I am the person who can eat things that have been sitting in the fridge so long it would probably kill, or at least make deathly ill, anyone else in my household. Proved myself to be a big liar on December 31. I'm pretty sure I know where I went wrong, and most certainly will not do that again.

It was not a pretty sight, or fun when I was in the bathroom, lying on the hard cold floor. Thoughit lasted only long enough to remove the offender from the premises. Reminding me of the comedian Bill Engvall,who, when asking what he should eat before taking off in a jet with Blue Angels high-flying precision aerobatics team, was told to consume Peanut Butter, since it tastes the same coming back up as it does going down.

But it's over, and I survived. And the ill effects were apparently not all that long lasting: by noon on Jan. 1, I found myself in the deli. at Publix hoping they had some black-eyed peas on the hot bar, as I did not want to have to go home and cook them myself. Knowing better than to tempt fate, I was fortunate to find enough in my take out box, to provide all the 'insurance' as well as the usual by-product from eating lentils to believe that 'good luck' , if not necessarily great wealth that theoretically accompanies eating greens on New Year's Day, is on the way in the coming year.